I have recently discovered the MOB Society (Mothers of Boys) and have really enjoyed their insights. Today this post popped up, and it was another interesting read.
In reading it, I felt like the author was in my head last night.
Every one of her sins listed?
I've been in a daze for a long while, took another hit the other night, and spent yesterday pretty numb. I forgot it was Sabbath until about 3:00 (seriously dazed), loaded challah dough into the bread machine, and retreated to my bedroom to watch a movie.
Sitting there alone on my bed with perfect lighting and perfect temperature in perfect comfort. It was great! But Mr Perfect came in and mentioned it was cold. I hadn't noticed, because all I was registering was that I was not being hurt and was in very little danger of some big huge surprise coming in and knocking me down again. I could live in there . . . seriously. (I'd just need a fridge.)
It was just like the weeks/months following Alex's death. The husband goes off to work and as long as I stay in the master bedroom I'm safe. Cross the threshold into the rest of the house and you're looking for trouble. I remember tiptoeing to the kitchen to grab something to eat and take it quickly back to my room - like if I'm quiet the bad won't hear that I'm up.
While I understand authenticity, I battle with airing all my dirty laundry. I don't want to behave as if my sin is ok, or justifiable, or glamorous, etc. I had a good cry (my eyeliner is going to to on beautifully today), and so wanted to pour out the raw, the partially healed wounds being ripped open for the umpteenth time, the heart ache, the angst . . . but at the same time I don't want to be encouraging a pit party or harping on all the negative ~ not to deny it, but not to allow it a bigger foothold in my life. And I also don't want to become one of those never-ending negative people that are such a drain on the lives of others.
Balance, balance, balance.
I think I've written this post before. My apologies for the redundancy ~ I am a slow learner.